you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
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Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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