We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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