I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's never too late to be topless.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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