we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
