how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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