Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't deserve a penis
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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