I wish my penis had an off switch
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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