OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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