My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
