this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
