I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
