I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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