I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
