Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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