The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
