do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
