her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
