pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
