i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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