I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
