I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
