worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
