What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
