some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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