Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
