Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
