I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
