I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
