just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
