the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
