im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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