You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
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i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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