This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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