you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
