I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
