you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
