Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
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