ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
