Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
