Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
