So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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