how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
