im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
