he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
