bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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