Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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