What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
