To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
