I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
