What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
