i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
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I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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