So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
