I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
