I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
