i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
