Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
